Faking Your Death in 2020: A How-To Guide

PHOTO CREDIT: LEAH KELLEY VIA PEXELS

3 Steps to a Fictitious Funeral

Rachel Doe, an 18-year-old Australian native, recalled being dumbfounded when she heard news of her ex-boyfriend’s passing. After failing to repay debts, Rachel’s ex-boyfriend Alistair* was brutally murdered by a biker gang at just 21 years old. Alistair’s mother announced his death, held his memorial service, and grieved her loss across several social media platforms. As far as Rachel was concerned, her ex was gone forever.

“If I called you and told you my mum died, you wouldn’t be like ‘give me a death certificate’.”

Rachel doe

After a few months passed, Rachel heard that Alistair’s brother worked at a cafe in town. She’d been wanting to check in with his family, and decided to make an impromptu visit. When she asked for him by name, the waitress said he wasn’t working that day– but not to worry, because his his brother Alistair was.

Much like Alistair, thousands of individuals around the world attempt to fake their own deaths every year. In the US alone, private investigation firms take dozens of suspected faked-death cases every month (with one investigator solving nearly 20 cases a year). While habit and location familiarity often “out” the people who strive for a secret second life, the faked-death phenomenon begs a question: how hard would it really be to fake your own death?

In short: it depends.

Personal investigator Steve Ramban specializes in missing persons cases, with an emphasis on those suspected of faking their own death. In an interview with Sky News, Ramban explained the reasons people choose to fictionalize their apparent ending. Ramban notes, “Sometimes (people) want their life insurance money so they can live that life again…Sometimes they are trapped in a relationship or a life that is making them miserable.” Over 700 solved pseudocides later, Ramban lends his advice on how to fake your own death in 2020– and how to get away with it too.

1. Asses your likelihood of actually disappearing.

PHOTO CREDIT: KALPIT VIA PEXELS

Ask yourself:

Are you born after 1985? Are you an active smartphone user? Are you currently sitting next to a wife and kids who won’t accept your unsolved death as an answer? If this is you, Ramdan says you’re going to have a harder time disappearing. Younger adults are less successful at getting away because of their online footprint alone, which has tracked the existence of nearly every legal document and personal post since birth. If your face has graced the pages of your own social media sites– let alone pictures and locations tagged through friends and family– you’re going to be a lot more recognizable than a 75-year-old mobster.

Will your family come looking for you?

While abusive relationships contribute to the rising number of female pseudocides, serious relationships and close-knit family members can increase your odds of getting caught. When investigators like Ramdan take missing persons cases, they’re often hired out of genuine concern from a distraught family member or significant other of the “deceased.” When the circumstances of a disappearance seem out of place for the individual, or when authorities declare a murder without a body, the lack of closure is usually enough for someone to start digging.

“I can make 1,000 mistakes- but if you make one, I’m going to get you.”

Steve Ramban

If you’re planning on informing family about your “death” beforehand, it only raises your odds of getting caught. Ramdan explains that family visits and frequent phone-calls always give away someone’s identity, while some individuals get caught because “they couldn’t bear to give up their dog.” Honestly, same.

2. Plan your exit (hint: it’s the Philippines)

While the US black market can take over a year to deliver a fresh-identity-document-kit, those seeking immediate departures can inquire overseas for expedited service. Among the exotic animal trade, secret organ trade, and infamous sex-tourism trade, the Philippines takes the lead in yet another unregulated market. For just three small payments, you too can fake your own death! Simply pay the private mortuary, the neighborhood dentist, and the nearest document-forging specialist for a truly convincing experience. And for the chic criminal? Add an additional $10,000 for a funeral event your friends and family won’t want to miss!

That’s right folks- for just $40,550, you too can become a deadman dead person! In the Philippines, bodies from private mortuaries and dental records from local clinics will only set you back a few hundred dollars. The most challenging part of the pseudocide process, however, isn’t the creation of a convincing corpse or a reasonable death-story; the most challenging part is remaining “dead.”

Even in the Philippines, video surveillance and records of your existence will still pose a threat to your deceased identity. For a few thousand dollars a month, you’ll need to hire a professional trail scratcher (someone who follows your every move and “scratches” the trail you leave behind) to have true peace of mind. Full disclosure: hire someone you know, and pay them often. Somehow the dangling $10,000 reward for any information about your disappearance can tempt even the most loyal henchman.

3. Clear that history

It should go without saying, but repetition is the mother of study so I’ll say it anyway:

DON’T SEARCH “HOW TO FAKE YOUR OWN DEATH” ON THE INTERNET

IF YOU’RE REALLY PLANNING TO FAKE YOUR OWN DEATH.

Clearly you’re wise enough to read this article on a public-use device, with an anonymous account, and in a surveillance-camera-free zone. If not, you’re even dumber than you’d need to be to try faking your own death. While your version of google appears to erase all history, your internet service providers are more than willing to provide law enforcement with your data. In other words, if you’re running from your current life because of debts or crimes you have yet to face, it’s only a matter of time until they find you.

In reality, the problem that seems inescapable now will be long-gone by the time you could ever truly pull off a fictional tragedy (or at least, one that’s semi-convincing). And if your worries outlast a five-year buffer period? I’ve got news: your problems will probably kill you before you do.

Want more decay? Check out the Life Expired. Blogroll for all articles about the un-living.

*names have been changed to protect identity